Breathless...Drowning in a sea of thoughts*

Normally I don't use this blog to speak on my personal life but here I go anyway. I'm so filled with fear and anticipation that I can barely sleep or sit down or even think straight. I don't know what this feeling is but I can't shake it. I don't know which I fight harder the smile that comes on whenever you're around or thoughts of you when you're not around. Then again maybe I fight how you make me feel harder than them both. See now I'm rambling...

The you I'm talking about is this guy. This blog isn't directed to him or about it...or maybe it is. Things between us are moving so fast but it feels so natural. Conversation and chemistry flows between us and sometimes it feels so wrong. I'm just waiting for something bad to show up or for someone to tell me it was all a game, a trick played on me. He gives me this feeling in my stomach...not butterflies but almost like a ball of air is in me waiting to be filled or something. IDK. I can't describe and I'm failing miserably. Sometimes I hold my breath without realizing I'm doing it and have to remind myself to breath. Maybe that action describes the feeling he gives me best.

He makes me feel so good but so bad at the same time. He's changing me and that alone is scary enough but also I don't know what to expect and I'm not in control and that just adds to the fear. I want to know what this feeling is and what this "friendship" is going to lead to. I've had my feelings hurt before and I don't want that again (although I know it will happen) but I've never had my heart broken because I've never been in love. I've been in lust before but never this deep. This is so scary because it's not logical...you can't deal with this in a logical form because matters of the heart are never logical. How can I be so comfortable with someone who makes me so nervous. He's like an unwashed fruit...sure you eat it and savor the taste but you have to wonder if it will hurt you in the long run.

I just want to run or go forward in time. I need to know what this is. I want to run from this feeling. I want to breath again. Now I understand how feels to be waiting to exhale. I just want to fly away. My mind can't take this, not along with the other things going on in my life. He told me my random questions are starting to get less random. Maybe they are, maybe this has affected my thought process. Help me now. I gotta define this and soon. It's messing with my head. Last guy who gave me any kind of feeling left a bruise in my side and I pursued him to hard. Maybe I better quit while my heart is still in tact.

*Thanks to E.L. Marsh for the title. Words I'd be searching for.