So I've already raved about how much I hate BET, with the exception of a couple of shows (and event he exceptions are getting old!), but now I'm about to add MTV to the list. In all actuality it should have been on my hate list a long time ago. But I must say there is one show that may restore my faith in the network: 16 and Pregnant.

Sure it's only been one episode but the one they aired tonight was exactly what reality television should be: eye opening and informative. So many teens out here have these ideal images of sex and even pregnancy. 16 and Pregnant shows how it really is, especially at a young age. It follows the teens from pregnancy to 3 months post pregnancy. Now everyone gets to see what they miss out on during pregnancy and in being a teen parent. Sorry, gotta take care of Bentley no parties tonight. So far I give the show an A+. And I'm still tickled at the fact that girl went into labor on a four-wheeler!!

So parents, big brothers and sisters, and anyone else with fast-tailed young folks in your life, sit them down and let them watch this show!

Letting it go

So I've finally decided to let go of the one person I used to think I was created for. I mean I still believe I was created for him but I think he is too stupid, oblivious and whatever else to see it. Actually I think he just cares to much about what others think. I don't have time for that. But I must say that there is a great guy in my life; one who makes it very easy for me to forget about the one who haunts my dreams. Did I forget to mention he haunts my dreams? Maybe I should give him a name: Mr. Giant.

Mr. Giant has done my wrong time and time again, but he was my friend first so I thought we could continue to be that. Too bad I always ended up back in his arms. This last time I said I was done and I meant it, still do. Unfortunately for me it's like he lives on my brain. Sometimes he's all I can think about. Sometimes I think I hear his voice. Most of the time he just appears in my dreams. One time he was visit my grandmother with me (strange because he's never even been to my home town). Another time he was at a social function bugging me. He was the first person I truly hated. I'm slowly getting over it. I just wish things ended better.

Either way he's made me appreciate the guy I've got. And I've stopped comparing the two because I realize Mr. Giant may have few flaws but the ones he has are huge. I'm not in the market of repairing men so if I can't live with you the way you are then I have to move on. Anyway here's a writing, poem if you will, about my situation (written by ME!!!)

Mental Adultery

I’m lying with him…

I’m thinking of you…

I wonder if he can see you on my mind

Taste you on my lips, smell you on my skin.

How can I be envisioning you now?

My mental betrayal sickens me.

I’m content with him, comfortable.

So how is it I still want you?

I mesh so well with him, we fit.

But I know I’m made for you.

I know I am what you need, what you want.

I play the fool giving you your destiny prematurely.

I should wait, wait for your realization.

How could you not see it? See this?

Is it really possible to be this blind?

Yes, it’s possible because I can’t see him.

I must be deaf. I can’t hear him either.

Maybe I’m defective, I can’t trust him.

Then again I can't be defective. I see you

Hear you, trust you, and know your unsung melody.

It’s you that blocks him from me.

It’s you that I’m waiting on.

Still thinking of you…

Still lying with him…

~~~~~~~~~~~~The Continuation~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I accept who he is;

Acknowledging his faults, embracing them.

I wish he was you, though.

Why isn’t he you?

Why aren’t you the one next to me?

His smell is inviting, but it’s not yours.

Your scent is intoxicating.

His taste is sweet but yours is delectable, irresistible.

It’s your flavor I crave.

It’s your body and touch I desire.

I enjoy time spent with him.

But it’s during our time together that I come alive.

How can I be so dissatisfied with him?

I wish I could get you out of my head.

You are intertwined with my happiness.

Please just come to me, stop my yearning.

I’ve become an absentee lover;

Guilty of alienation of affection.

I pretend his touch is yours, his kiss is yours.

Do you realize what we have? What we could have?

I guess not, I guess I’ll wait…

Wait here with him…

Religion...no thank you

I recently realized that I don't believe in religion. It's not for me and I doubt it ever will be. Now if you know me or have read some of my other blogs then I know you might be a little confused right now. I claim to be a Christian and by definition of the word I am one. I believe that there is only one true and living god and that He sent His one and only son, Jesus Christ, to die for me so that I could have everlasting life. But I don't believe in religion!!

I hate rules, absolutely positively hate them. I find them constraining and a negative force on my creative and free-flowing juices. I'm like the wind and rules are like huge brick walls stopping me from blowing freely. I just can't dig it (probably why I hated high school so much). Now you're asking "if I don't believe in religion then how can I believe in God?" Well that's simple, I believe in RELATIONSHIPS NOT RELIGION!!

For me religion often times focuses too much on rules, rituals, and traditions and not an actual relationship with God. People wonder how they can become saved and not feel any different. Well it's because they are focusing too much on trying to obey these rules and not trying to love and develop a relationship with God. People don't pray from the heart they pray from these templates they've read or learned. Focusing on rules and living the "religious" lifestyle is how so many people backslide and end up giving up on God. I just can't get down with that. I'm not a template, color in the lines kind of girl. I've got to love and learn God in my own way.

I also hate when people only are a part of religion for what they can get out of it. They don't want and love God for God but for what He can do for them. They don't want to be close to God, to experience His love, they just want Him to better their lives. Their prayers are like a request list when they should be more of an open flowing conversation. Here's how I explained to a friend of mine:

It's like a marriage. You should want to marry someone because of who they are
not just to get married or what the marriage could do for you. You shouldn't get
married because you just want a wedding or the wedding gifts. Nor should you get
married to a person because they are rich or have great connections. It's the
same with God.

Yes, God has the power to bless you financially and in other ways but that's not what it's always about. Your relationship with God shouldn't ONLY be about Him removing your debt, healing your illness or whatever else is an issue in your life.

I honestly and truly love God and before this Sunday I was almost frustrated with my religion. I'd take two steps forward and fall several back. Now I know it's because I can't rely on earthly people to tell me how to live my life. I know that as I develop my relationship with God my moral compass will become stronger and my ability to hear him when he speaks will become better as well. I won't have to rely on the rules of Christianity because God will place HIS rules in my heart and mind. I'm in no way knocking the church. As a matter of fact I still go and it works for me. It helps me find God and myself and define my relationship with him. But I still say it's time to put God first and religion second.

On that note I'm out!!

You Want What You Can't Have!!!

Gosh it's been a minute since I've blogged!! But last time I did it was about my least favorite subject in life: LOVE/ MATTERS OF THE HEART. Well first let me say we've made some sort of commitment to each other. The world girlfriend was used { :-O} But I digress...

Why is it as soon as you get someone new, anyone you used to date, were remotely interested in, and even some randoms come out of the wood-work trying to "holla"?? Was I not as appealing when I was chillin doing me alone? Or did you think you could run back to me when you got ready and now my new guy is messing up your plans?

I've been single since November and sure I've talked to a couple of guys but no one serious then as soon as I find someone that makes me happy the ex is getting on my darn nerves trying to get back in my life. I mean I have no issue being his friend (that's all we ever should have been because I never actually liked him), but get off my jock. Why are you now calling, trying to bribe me to spend time with you, constantly bugging me about coming over. Desperation is a real turn off and even if I wasn't taken I still wouldn't want you. I mean you had your chance and you blew it. All you did was waste my time.

Now as far as the former potential boos. I mean some of these guys are justified in still coming after me, I still haven't made it perfectly clear that there chance has been cut short, so on that MY BAD!! But for the guys who let me go before we ever had anything, why are you trying to start something now. Here's the place where I get really specific: OK this guy started something with me, then decided he couldn't handle it...ok I'm a big girl I can deal. So we're back on the friendship path, then as soon as I start talking about my "boothang" and my "baby" you want to start flirting, mentioning my "assets" and etc. Negro I'm so done!!

And then the randoms....dudes who never showed you a ounce of interest before want to "chill" and "get up" all of a sudden. This stuff makes no sense. It may be your homeboy, your exes friend, random guy from your math class, but trust and believe they will come out of no where wanting some of your time and probably some of something else you have.

I mean I really don't understand why these guys operate like they do. It's obvious you don't respect relationships and why would you want to be with someone that would mess around on their man. Doesn't that mean they will mess around on you? And did you ever think that the only reason you want a taken person is because their taken and you want the unattainable? At the end of the day you want what you can't have. Too bad!!

Breathless...Drowning in a sea of thoughts*

Normally I don't use this blog to speak on my personal life but here I go anyway. I'm so filled with fear and anticipation that I can barely sleep or sit down or even think straight. I don't know what this feeling is but I can't shake it. I don't know which I fight harder the smile that comes on whenever you're around or thoughts of you when you're not around. Then again maybe I fight how you make me feel harder than them both. See now I'm rambling...

The you I'm talking about is this guy. This blog isn't directed to him or about it...or maybe it is. Things between us are moving so fast but it feels so natural. Conversation and chemistry flows between us and sometimes it feels so wrong. I'm just waiting for something bad to show up or for someone to tell me it was all a game, a trick played on me. He gives me this feeling in my stomach...not butterflies but almost like a ball of air is in me waiting to be filled or something. IDK. I can't describe and I'm failing miserably. Sometimes I hold my breath without realizing I'm doing it and have to remind myself to breath. Maybe that action describes the feeling he gives me best.

He makes me feel so good but so bad at the same time. He's changing me and that alone is scary enough but also I don't know what to expect and I'm not in control and that just adds to the fear. I want to know what this feeling is and what this "friendship" is going to lead to. I've had my feelings hurt before and I don't want that again (although I know it will happen) but I've never had my heart broken because I've never been in love. I've been in lust before but never this deep. This is so scary because it's not logical...you can't deal with this in a logical form because matters of the heart are never logical. How can I be so comfortable with someone who makes me so nervous. He's like an unwashed fruit...sure you eat it and savor the taste but you have to wonder if it will hurt you in the long run.

I just want to run or go forward in time. I need to know what this is. I want to run from this feeling. I want to breath again. Now I understand how feels to be waiting to exhale. I just want to fly away. My mind can't take this, not along with the other things going on in my life. He told me my random questions are starting to get less random. Maybe they are, maybe this has affected my thought process. Help me now. I gotta define this and soon. It's messing with my head. Last guy who gave me any kind of feeling left a bruise in my side and I pursued him to hard. Maybe I better quit while my heart is still in tact.

*Thanks to E.L. Marsh for the title. Words I'd be searching for.

Black Star Power....Yeah Right!!

Once upon a time BET was the heat and a station I could actually respect as a voice for black people. Back when BET wasn't owned and ran by white people. Now don't get me wrong, I have no issue with white people, I just believe that they can't speak for blacks. You can't tell a story you haven't experienced or seen. What happened to Teen Summit, Tavis Smiley and Midnight Love. Now we Uncut and rip offs of MTV shows...PLUH-EASE!! How could you get rid of such great shows? Even 106 and Park which started off great is now GARBAGE. You used to have host you could respect now you have Rocsi....enough said. First you replaced Midnight Love with Uncut now it's whatever show or movie you can buy for as little as possible! And I guess black people don't really like the news right? That's why you got rid of the nightly news and replaced it with 30 sec sound clips every once in a while. It's sad....I even miss Cita, at least I got to see the entire video back then.

I mean, I have no problem with the station growing and expanding but at what expense. Bladwin Hills is nothing but the black version of Luguna Beach. It feels so fake and scripted that I can't really get down with it. Blackbuster movies are almost always the worst: Uncle P, Soul Plane, etc. I mean I have no real problem with getting shows from other stations but to fill up the entire day with them is...sad. But I will admit that I love some College Hill and Keyshia Cole despite the fact that both show black people at their worst half of the time. As far as Harlem Heights goes, the jury is still out but the people do seem very fake and script...IDK.

Can we either change the name of the station of bring back some of the goodness? Stop creating pseudo thugs and booty shaking girls. I would like to enjoy BET again and for the station to really be black star power.

Musical Addiction

What makes songs stick in your head? I mean you hum it all day, blast it when comes on the radio, make it your ring tone. I get so addicted to some songs I play them over and over and over again. Sometimes it's like I'm making love to the music; dancing with my eyes closed letting the melody caress me. I hear it when it's not on and it's like it's my song and mine alone. Like they words being sang are for me and by me.

I'm on "Gibberish" by Ryan Leslie soooo hard right now. I honestly can't tell you how many times I've played it today and I've danced all around my house to it. Not that "oh I'm so cute" dancing either, it was that let the music move you type of stuff. I know exactly what Ryan is saying although as the title suggest the song is most gibberish. It describes how I'm feeling right now and if I'm not feeling that way even for a second it takes me back there!! I'm surprised I could sit down long enough to write this!!!

Mr. Ryan Leslie

⇓

There are some other songs I'm digging.... (they're not "Gibberish" though haha):

• "Birthday Sex"- Jeremih


• "Chocolate High" -India.Are ft Musiq


• "Maps"- Yeah Yeah Yeahs


• "Breathe"- Taylor Swift


• "Come On Get Higher" Matt Nathanson


• "My Love" - Mary J Blige

Can you tell how I'm feeling now ??hahaha