Breathless...Drowning in a sea of thoughts*

Normally I don't use this blog to speak on my personal life but here I go anyway. I'm so filled with fear and anticipation that I can barely sleep or sit down or even think straight. I don't know what this feeling is but I can't shake it. I don't know which I fight harder the smile that comes on whenever you're around or thoughts of you when you're not around. Then again maybe I fight how you make me feel harder than them both. See now I'm rambling...

The you I'm talking about is this guy. This blog isn't directed to him or about it...or maybe it is. Things between us are moving so fast but it feels so natural. Conversation and chemistry flows between us and sometimes it feels so wrong. I'm just waiting for something bad to show up or for someone to tell me it was all a game, a trick played on me. He gives me this feeling in my stomach...not butterflies but almost like a ball of air is in me waiting to be filled or something. IDK. I can't describe and I'm failing miserably. Sometimes I hold my breath without realizing I'm doing it and have to remind myself to breath. Maybe that action describes the feeling he gives me best.

He makes me feel so good but so bad at the same time. He's changing me and that alone is scary enough but also I don't know what to expect and I'm not in control and that just adds to the fear. I want to know what this feeling is and what this "friendship" is going to lead to. I've had my feelings hurt before and I don't want that again (although I know it will happen) but I've never had my heart broken because I've never been in love. I've been in lust before but never this deep. This is so scary because it's not logical...you can't deal with this in a logical form because matters of the heart are never logical. How can I be so comfortable with someone who makes me so nervous. He's like an unwashed fruit...sure you eat it and savor the taste but you have to wonder if it will hurt you in the long run.

I just want to run or go forward in time. I need to know what this is. I want to run from this feeling. I want to breath again. Now I understand how feels to be waiting to exhale. I just want to fly away. My mind can't take this, not along with the other things going on in my life. He told me my random questions are starting to get less random. Maybe they are, maybe this has affected my thought process. Help me now. I gotta define this and soon. It's messing with my head. Last guy who gave me any kind of feeling left a bruise in my side and I pursued him to hard. Maybe I better quit while my heart is still in tact.

*Thanks to E.L. Marsh for the title. Words I'd be searching for.

Black Star Power....Yeah Right!!

Once upon a time BET was the heat and a station I could actually respect as a voice for black people. Back when BET wasn't owned and ran by white people. Now don't get me wrong, I have no issue with white people, I just believe that they can't speak for blacks. You can't tell a story you haven't experienced or seen. What happened to Teen Summit, Tavis Smiley and Midnight Love. Now we Uncut and rip offs of MTV shows...PLUH-EASE!! How could you get rid of such great shows? Even 106 and Park which started off great is now GARBAGE. You used to have host you could respect now you have Rocsi....enough said. First you replaced Midnight Love with Uncut now it's whatever show or movie you can buy for as little as possible! And I guess black people don't really like the news right? That's why you got rid of the nightly news and replaced it with 30 sec sound clips every once in a while. It's sad....I even miss Cita, at least I got to see the entire video back then.

I mean, I have no problem with the station growing and expanding but at what expense. Bladwin Hills is nothing but the black version of Luguna Beach. It feels so fake and scripted that I can't really get down with it. Blackbuster movies are almost always the worst: Uncle P, Soul Plane, etc. I mean I have no real problem with getting shows from other stations but to fill up the entire day with them is...sad. But I will admit that I love some College Hill and Keyshia Cole despite the fact that both show black people at their worst half of the time. As far as Harlem Heights goes, the jury is still out but the people do seem very fake and script...IDK.

Can we either change the name of the station of bring back some of the goodness? Stop creating pseudo thugs and booty shaking girls. I would like to enjoy BET again and for the station to really be black star power.

Musical Addiction

What makes songs stick in your head? I mean you hum it all day, blast it when comes on the radio, make it your ring tone. I get so addicted to some songs I play them over and over and over again. Sometimes it's like I'm making love to the music; dancing with my eyes closed letting the melody caress me. I hear it when it's not on and it's like it's my song and mine alone. Like they words being sang are for me and by me.

I'm on "Gibberish" by Ryan Leslie soooo hard right now. I honestly can't tell you how many times I've played it today and I've danced all around my house to it. Not that "oh I'm so cute" dancing either, it was that let the music move you type of stuff. I know exactly what Ryan is saying although as the title suggest the song is most gibberish. It describes how I'm feeling right now and if I'm not feeling that way even for a second it takes me back there!! I'm surprised I could sit down long enough to write this!!!

Mr. Ryan Leslie

⇓

There are some other songs I'm digging.... (they're not "Gibberish" though haha):

• "Birthday Sex"- Jeremih


• "Chocolate High" -India.Are ft Musiq


• "Maps"- Yeah Yeah Yeahs


• "Breathe"- Taylor Swift


• "Come On Get Higher" Matt Nathanson


• "My Love" - Mary J Blige

Can you tell how I'm feeling now ??hahaha

Easter for Atheist...WTF

I'm starting to realize a lot of things annoy me and this is just another one to add to the list.

I can't stand it when people who are not Christians celebrate Christian holidays. I really can't stand it when atheists celebrate Christian holidays, to me it says you just want a reason to get gifts. Most atheists don't respect religion, they respect your right to believe in whatever you chose but not religion itself. It's already bad enough that holidays have become so commercialized but then for you to basically to devalue it even more by celebrating it knowing you don't believe in the reason or the background of the holiday. UGH it just gets under my skin. At least Jews and Muslims have respect for the Christian religion although they do not believe that Jesus is the savior.

If you're an atheist good for you, but why don't you just sit at home and watch TV when the rest of us are out celebrating our religious holidays. You don't believe in God so why celebrate the birth of His one and only Son? It doesn't matter to you whether He was born or not because you don't believe in who He and His Father are. Do you just want gifts or a reason to decorate your house? Why celebrate Easter? It's to celebrate Jesus' resurrection and since you don't believe in that what are you celebrating? Do you just want a reason to run around and collect eggs because you don't even get pretty Easter outfits to wear to church because YOU DON'T GO TO CHURCH.

You don't see Christian's celebrating atheist holidays. Now that I think about it are there any atheist holidays? I mean even Halloween and Valentine's Day are a Pagan holidays and they believed in many gods. Could ground hogs day be considered a atheist holiday? I mean that's about all I can think to give to them because Labor Day and Memorial Day are national holidays. Well I guess I can see why atheists are so desperate to celebrate anything. Atheist are kind of like lost people. Oh well, that was your personal choice just stick to celebrating birthdays, births, weddings, and graduations. That should be enough, if not become a Buddhist, Hindu, Jew, Muslim, or my favorite ☦ Christian (☺ ← I'm a little biased)

You start it, you finish it!!

Although this should not have to be said to people, I find that most folks now-a-days need to hear it: IF YOU START SOMETHING FINISH IT!! And DON'T START SOMETHING UNLESS YOU ARE SURE IT'S WHAT YOU WANT!!

Ok, I'm just not understanding people rushing into things or initiating things and then running away once the ball has started rolling. If you can't keep up with the ball or aren't willing to go where the ball leads you then I suggest you leave well enough alone and let that ball stay stationary. In running away from things you are at least wasting people's time and may also be wasting money, resources and playing with folks emotions. There may even be someone who wants to be in your poistion but can't because you took that oppertunity and wasted it!!

RELATIONSHIPS: I'm speaking from experience on this one. Now don't start something with someone and then back out. I've had a guy initiate the feelings in my mind, then decide that he couldn't handle what everyone else would say about he and I. #$%$$# What??? You should have thought about that before hand, because I darn sure wasn't thinking about you before you went out of your way to make me think about you!! You started it now don't be too scared to finish it! Oh too late I'm gone!

Also if you have something going on with someone and you want to end it....END IT! (even I was guilty about this once upon a time) Don't just stop calling and answering the phone, avoiding them and whatever else. Let them know it's over and why. Nothing is worse than having something being over but having no closure. No closure means the doorway is still open to having emotions flowing freely whereever and whenever they chose. And love turns into hate mightly quickly!!

JOBS and SCHOOL: There is absolutely ntohing wrong with changing your mind about what you want to do with the rest of your life, but please please please don't change your mind because what you first decided to do turned out to be to hard or time consuming. Every job and career path has it's own set of obsticles and even your dream job or major is going to have something about it that you're not going to like. Don't settle for less because it's easy. And even if it is just a part time job don't quit because they made you work the one Friday you wanted to go out, get over it and suck it up! It's a recession be glad you've got a job!!

PLEDGING: Now normally I wouldn't give a rat's behind about this but, it's becoming an epidemic as well!! Why the heck are you gonna pay all this money, get on line then decide you can't take it and quit?? Do you know where the money tree is? Because if so I need the hook-up!?!? Did you not know it was going to be hard work? Ugh STUPID! And by your stupid butt getting on line there is some man or woman mad as heck that they didn't get on (poor them dreams crushed). Even worse are those who dreams about being a member of ABC Frat or Sorority but heard that CDE didn't go as hard or only had to be online for a week so you pledged them instead!! DO Betta!!

With all that being said, it's time for many people to man up and quit coping out! Do what you do but finish what you do as well...