Shades of Blackness

This piece is quite unfinished, but so is the story of the black race in America. As our story continues to shift and develop I'm sure this piece will too. It's untitled and probably won't EVER be done, I'll probably die not having finished it.

Untitled

I am apart of a nation within a nation

A nation of people united in division

A nation bonded by slavery

A nation struggling to grow.

My nation is misunderstood and stereotyped.

My nation screams and thrashes unnoticed.

My nation is diverse an ever changing.

This nation is grand and wide-spread.

And though fragmented is strong.

This nation contains the backs on which a great nation was built.

But knows nothing of it's past and it's future is unclear.

Hymnals and Folk songs gives voice to it's foundations.

..............

Sometimes I wonder if the reason we as black people are so divided as a race is because we are so diverse physically. It amazes me when people say we all look alike when our race has the most (NATURAL) variety. Our skin ranges from the palest ivory to the deepest coal and even those shades can be broken down further more with undertones of reds, yellows, and olives. Our eyes can be the lightest blues, grays, and greens or the deepest ebonies. Let's not even get started on our hair: from straight and frizzy to smooth and curly all the way to kinky and coil-y. All of these differences plus all the different nose, eye, mouth, and facial shapes make up for a very diverse race and that's before you throw in all the ways people can differentiate themselves from each other (perms, hair color, piercing, clothing, contacts and etc).

I think it's so hard for us to get past these differences that we can't see the bigger picture. It's been instilled within our race to hate each other for what we look like. Light skinned people look down on dark skinned people, no one likes the girl with the "good hair," everyone has to make fun of the "dark as tar" man. If we could see that no matter what the color of their skin or eyes or even what their hair texture is that we are all brothers and sisters then maybe we could be more united like our other minority counter parts (whose races have much much much less variety)

Live Laugh Love y'all

BLACK POWER (hehehe)

Hopeless Devotion

If love requires anything it requires devotion. Devotion to love is what makes love last, it's what allows love to inspire hope and hope to fuel dreams and dreams to start movements. It was Martin Luther King Jr's devotion to love that gave him the hope that things for his people could be better. This hope allowed him to dream and his dream lead to one of the biggest movements in American history. So why not be devoted to something especially love. Endless and unwaivering devotion can make anything happen be it good or bad. Hitler's hopeless devotion to his hatred of jews and all non-anglo saxons and minority group led to one of the largest genocides in history: The Holocaust. Devotion makes things happen.

Hopelessly Devoted

Hopelessly devoted.

Devoted to a dream whose frutation I might not ever see.

Devoted to a cause no one seems to care about but me.

Devoted to a world of fatasy

Hopelessly Devoted.

Hopeless siduations, no end or cure in sight.

Hopeless causes and no strength left to fight.

Hopeless days leading to desperate nights.

Hopelessly devoted

I'm hopelessly devoted to the thought of change.

Hopelessly devoted to the abloshment of pain.

My devotion to better is hopeless never waivering

Hopelessly devoted

Ummm yea that last "piece" was a bit rhymy for me but hey they all can't be winners right?? I tried, take it for the thoughts behind it.

Why Is Your Child So Bad???

Ok so it's been a while, actually months since I've posted a new blog but that doesn't mean I haven't been writing them. I write all the time actually I've just been way to busy to get them up here. So these next couple of blogs are random ones from the past couple of months.

Written 7/2009

Sometimes I think I hate children. Then I realize I don't hate all children, just bad children. I don't know what these parents are doing now-a-days but they need to get their ish together!! Most of the children I come in contact with are either stupid or bad as hades. I don't blame the kids, I blame their parents! I work at a summer camp instructing rising 4th graders and I have one child who's on the first grade level at best, two kids who learn EXTREMELY slowly but aren't stupid (book wise) and three who are on the level they should be on but are more spoiled then month old milk. Then there's one child in my class who is so smart but his mother fills his head with mindless junk and lets him watch R-rated movies, plus he just can't shut his mouth

Now I'm no parent but I do spend lots of time with children (I also work in the nursery at church and in the children's dept at a dept store) so I know a thing or two. SO here's what I have to say to all the parents and soon to be parents out there:

• First of all step up and be parents: Discipline your children, teach them respect for authority, TELL THEM NO!!!


• Make sure they get their education.


• Quit letting your children watch just anything on TV and listen to everything on the radio.


• Dress them like children, they are not little adults.


• Monitor their internet activity and who they hang around.


• Get them involved in positive activities.

At the end of the day it's your responsibility and job to raise a well-functioning member. Take it seriously!!

So I've already raved about how much I hate BET, with the exception of a couple of shows (and event he exceptions are getting old!), but now I'm about to add MTV to the list. In all actuality it should have been on my hate list a long time ago. But I must say there is one show that may restore my faith in the network: 16 and Pregnant.

Sure it's only been one episode but the one they aired tonight was exactly what reality television should be: eye opening and informative. So many teens out here have these ideal images of sex and even pregnancy. 16 and Pregnant shows how it really is, especially at a young age. It follows the teens from pregnancy to 3 months post pregnancy. Now everyone gets to see what they miss out on during pregnancy and in being a teen parent. Sorry, gotta take care of Bentley no parties tonight. So far I give the show an A+. And I'm still tickled at the fact that girl went into labor on a four-wheeler!!

So parents, big brothers and sisters, and anyone else with fast-tailed young folks in your life, sit them down and let them watch this show!

Letting it go

So I've finally decided to let go of the one person I used to think I was created for. I mean I still believe I was created for him but I think he is too stupid, oblivious and whatever else to see it. Actually I think he just cares to much about what others think. I don't have time for that. But I must say that there is a great guy in my life; one who makes it very easy for me to forget about the one who haunts my dreams. Did I forget to mention he haunts my dreams? Maybe I should give him a name: Mr. Giant.

Mr. Giant has done my wrong time and time again, but he was my friend first so I thought we could continue to be that. Too bad I always ended up back in his arms. This last time I said I was done and I meant it, still do. Unfortunately for me it's like he lives on my brain. Sometimes he's all I can think about. Sometimes I think I hear his voice. Most of the time he just appears in my dreams. One time he was visit my grandmother with me (strange because he's never even been to my home town). Another time he was at a social function bugging me. He was the first person I truly hated. I'm slowly getting over it. I just wish things ended better.

Either way he's made me appreciate the guy I've got. And I've stopped comparing the two because I realize Mr. Giant may have few flaws but the ones he has are huge. I'm not in the market of repairing men so if I can't live with you the way you are then I have to move on. Anyway here's a writing, poem if you will, about my situation (written by ME!!!)

Mental Adultery

I’m lying with him…

I’m thinking of you…

I wonder if he can see you on my mind

Taste you on my lips, smell you on my skin.

How can I be envisioning you now?

My mental betrayal sickens me.

I’m content with him, comfortable.

So how is it I still want you?

I mesh so well with him, we fit.

But I know I’m made for you.

I know I am what you need, what you want.

I play the fool giving you your destiny prematurely.

I should wait, wait for your realization.

How could you not see it? See this?

Is it really possible to be this blind?

Yes, it’s possible because I can’t see him.

I must be deaf. I can’t hear him either.

Maybe I’m defective, I can’t trust him.

Then again I can't be defective. I see you

Hear you, trust you, and know your unsung melody.

It’s you that blocks him from me.

It’s you that I’m waiting on.

Still thinking of you…

Still lying with him…

~~~~~~~~~~~~The Continuation~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I accept who he is;

Acknowledging his faults, embracing them.

I wish he was you, though.

Why isn’t he you?

Why aren’t you the one next to me?

His smell is inviting, but it’s not yours.

Your scent is intoxicating.

His taste is sweet but yours is delectable, irresistible.

It’s your flavor I crave.

It’s your body and touch I desire.

I enjoy time spent with him.

But it’s during our time together that I come alive.

How can I be so dissatisfied with him?

I wish I could get you out of my head.

You are intertwined with my happiness.

Please just come to me, stop my yearning.

I’ve become an absentee lover;

Guilty of alienation of affection.

I pretend his touch is yours, his kiss is yours.

Do you realize what we have? What we could have?

I guess not, I guess I’ll wait…

Wait here with him…

Religion...no thank you

I recently realized that I don't believe in religion. It's not for me and I doubt it ever will be. Now if you know me or have read some of my other blogs then I know you might be a little confused right now. I claim to be a Christian and by definition of the word I am one. I believe that there is only one true and living god and that He sent His one and only son, Jesus Christ, to die for me so that I could have everlasting life. But I don't believe in religion!!

I hate rules, absolutely positively hate them. I find them constraining and a negative force on my creative and free-flowing juices. I'm like the wind and rules are like huge brick walls stopping me from blowing freely. I just can't dig it (probably why I hated high school so much). Now you're asking "if I don't believe in religion then how can I believe in God?" Well that's simple, I believe in RELATIONSHIPS NOT RELIGION!!

For me religion often times focuses too much on rules, rituals, and traditions and not an actual relationship with God. People wonder how they can become saved and not feel any different. Well it's because they are focusing too much on trying to obey these rules and not trying to love and develop a relationship with God. People don't pray from the heart they pray from these templates they've read or learned. Focusing on rules and living the "religious" lifestyle is how so many people backslide and end up giving up on God. I just can't get down with that. I'm not a template, color in the lines kind of girl. I've got to love and learn God in my own way.

I also hate when people only are a part of religion for what they can get out of it. They don't want and love God for God but for what He can do for them. They don't want to be close to God, to experience His love, they just want Him to better their lives. Their prayers are like a request list when they should be more of an open flowing conversation. Here's how I explained to a friend of mine:

It's like a marriage. You should want to marry someone because of who they are
not just to get married or what the marriage could do for you. You shouldn't get
married because you just want a wedding or the wedding gifts. Nor should you get
married to a person because they are rich or have great connections. It's the
same with God.

Yes, God has the power to bless you financially and in other ways but that's not what it's always about. Your relationship with God shouldn't ONLY be about Him removing your debt, healing your illness or whatever else is an issue in your life.

I honestly and truly love God and before this Sunday I was almost frustrated with my religion. I'd take two steps forward and fall several back. Now I know it's because I can't rely on earthly people to tell me how to live my life. I know that as I develop my relationship with God my moral compass will become stronger and my ability to hear him when he speaks will become better as well. I won't have to rely on the rules of Christianity because God will place HIS rules in my heart and mind. I'm in no way knocking the church. As a matter of fact I still go and it works for me. It helps me find God and myself and define my relationship with him. But I still say it's time to put God first and religion second.

On that note I'm out!!

You Want What You Can't Have!!!

Gosh it's been a minute since I've blogged!! But last time I did it was about my least favorite subject in life: LOVE/ MATTERS OF THE HEART. Well first let me say we've made some sort of commitment to each other. The world girlfriend was used { :-O} But I digress...

Why is it as soon as you get someone new, anyone you used to date, were remotely interested in, and even some randoms come out of the wood-work trying to "holla"?? Was I not as appealing when I was chillin doing me alone? Or did you think you could run back to me when you got ready and now my new guy is messing up your plans?

I've been single since November and sure I've talked to a couple of guys but no one serious then as soon as I find someone that makes me happy the ex is getting on my darn nerves trying to get back in my life. I mean I have no issue being his friend (that's all we ever should have been because I never actually liked him), but get off my jock. Why are you now calling, trying to bribe me to spend time with you, constantly bugging me about coming over. Desperation is a real turn off and even if I wasn't taken I still wouldn't want you. I mean you had your chance and you blew it. All you did was waste my time.

Now as far as the former potential boos. I mean some of these guys are justified in still coming after me, I still haven't made it perfectly clear that there chance has been cut short, so on that MY BAD!! But for the guys who let me go before we ever had anything, why are you trying to start something now. Here's the place where I get really specific: OK this guy started something with me, then decided he couldn't handle it...ok I'm a big girl I can deal. So we're back on the friendship path, then as soon as I start talking about my "boothang" and my "baby" you want to start flirting, mentioning my "assets" and etc. Negro I'm so done!!

And then the randoms....dudes who never showed you a ounce of interest before want to "chill" and "get up" all of a sudden. This stuff makes no sense. It may be your homeboy, your exes friend, random guy from your math class, but trust and believe they will come out of no where wanting some of your time and probably some of something else you have.

I mean I really don't understand why these guys operate like they do. It's obvious you don't respect relationships and why would you want to be with someone that would mess around on their man. Doesn't that mean they will mess around on you? And did you ever think that the only reason you want a taken person is because their taken and you want the unattainable? At the end of the day you want what you can't have. Too bad!!